Don't let go too soon but don't hang on too long

I admit being the constant in the equation of my life.

For years, I have been longing to be back with my ex-girlfriend. When we broke up, we found ourselves promising to each other that after five years we will meet again and try to work out a new relationship if possible. Within the course of the five years, we have agreed that there will be no problems going into commitments with other people. We simply have to tell each other honestly that we do feel happy with the newly found loved one. At present, more than three years have passed.

I guess too much romanticism have intoxicated me making me lose basic reasoning when it comes to relationships. I am simply stupid being faithful to the promise knowing that my motivation is not anymore love. It took me so long to realize what to proper term to call that pseudo-love feeling—attachment. True enough, this attachment had conditioned my mind to stop looking for other serious relationships simply because of being chained to a promise. It sucks, but that is the case.

And now I ran out of things to say. It is very hard to admit being trapped in the quicksand of patterned mistakes with the knowledge that I can also not be there. It becomes very clear seeing how my desires have led me to hurting and suffering. As said in class, the very things we want make us suffer the most.

If asked what coping approaches I have been trying, well, I think I found a lot of means of escape. I have spent a lot of my time with shots, bottles and some sticks. I have mastered the art of running away and forgetting. I have been in the steering wheel of my life turning to exciting routes, battling a lot of counter flows and skidding on blind corners. I am simply waiting for a head-on collision that will probably release me from everything.

For quite some time lately, I have been going out with a friend. Unexpectedly, we happen to begin feeling serious about our relationship. We found ourselves admitting our feelings to each other. But, I ended up telling her that I needed time to free myself from my attachment with my ex-girlfriend. I did not want saying things and feeling another. I just wanted to finally free myself from the stupid promise before I get into a commitment. I honestly think that this is the head-on collision I am hoping for. I just do not want to go wrong this time.

Before I even began throwing away the old love letters, gifts, and pictures, my ex-girlfriend called me telling that she is now single. She wanted to spend her birthday with me three weeks for now. On one end, I see this as the perfect opportunity to make the necessary talking that will free me. Yet, I also fear ending up succumbing to my desire of getting back with her.

How exciting can this get?

still solving life's unbalanced chemical equation.....