After all was said and done

Not only was this school year about a humbling experience, it was more of a metamorphic process. For 10 months, there were a lot of epiphanic moments that surprised me—a lot of things I have discovered about myself, about other people, about the people I love and about the reality I should have face years ago. These things apparently hit me blow by blow everyday and it seems that it will continue to a point in time I do not know. There was really a lot installed for me when I entered college—a lot, literally.
The everyday thought of comparing my life now with high school kills me. It is the total and absolute pain in my ass. I keep on asking, who the hell I am now? Why the hell I need to be in this shoe? Things are a hundred percent different. No more carefree feelings involved. Everything is a make or break—not only for myself, but also for my future, for my family, for all the people who still believe in me. Pressure. This freaking word spells a life full of anxieties, sacrifices and to top it all, regrets. Counting all the should haves and could haves, these are just too much—I am nearing the point of calling everything a failure. On the other hand, as somebody who already knows how to stand up from numerous falls, I just keep on going. Bullcrap past may not mean a bullcrap future.
There were bitches, but who the hell do they think they are? Do they actually think that they have defeated me? Are they already laughing because of a victorious degrading self-morale attack on me? Oh come on. Laugh out loud in your wildest dreams. Celebrate if you want to. There will be a payback time and it will mean the end for them. Bitches, celebrate as long as you can—it will not be long that we’ll exchange places.
Here at the bottom, failure attacks my ego. It tells me to just throw everything away. But an unknown force lifts me up. Something I cannot see or even imagine pushes me out from this mud of mistakes. It attaches me to a strong rope and forces me to climb the top of the mountain of life. After all was said and done, after all the mistakes, after all the emotional breakdowns, after all the reality checks, after all the epiphanic moments and after all the blows of failure, nobody will ever have the right, not even me, to stop myself from…………………….

still solving life's unbalanced chemical equation.....